Who Should Narrate the Next Nature Doc? Unserious Answers Only.

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Kevin Costner is the latest celebrity to narrate a nature documentary.(Photo: Fox Nation)

A few times a year, a new documentary film about the outdoors appears on our favorite streaming services, purporting to explorevolcanoes, or theU.S. National Parks,Mount Everest, or some other natural wonder in a groundbreaking manner. In addition to dizzying drone angles and super slow-motion footage, these projects all share a common quality: a celebrity narrator.

PresidentObama did one, so didOprahand actorsJeremy Irons,Pierce Brosnan,Tilda Swinton,Sandra Oh,Meryl Streep, andQueen Latifah(among many others). Michael B. Jordan and Kevin Costner both joined the narration ranks this year.Morgan Freemanhas done so many that he’s probably lost count.

The proliferation of celeb voiceovers begs the question: Who should narrate the next one? While the rational, down-to-earth answer is likely “whomever is available,” we’re inclined to nominate more creative—and less pragmatic—options.

Joe Buck

Louise Belcher fromBob’s Burgers

Who better than the dark-minded, chaos-lovingLouise Belcherof Bob’s Burgers to tell us how some obscure fish from the depths of the ocean stalks its prey? Voiced by Kristen Schaal, nine-year-old Louise’s unique helium-laced timbre would keep audiences rapt, and her sardonic sense of humor would lend itself well to describing the brutal realities of the animal kingdom.

-Maren Larsen, podcast producer

Marcel the Shell

Shooby Taylor

Tommy Wiseau

Perhaps you are familiar withThe Room, that Z-list masterpiece of dramatic schlock that’s inspired as many midnight showings asThe Rocky Horror Picture Show. Aside from a couple of cameos here and there, the movie’s director and star Tommy Wiseau has mostly been eating off the notoriety of that film in the 19 years since its release. But I respectfully submit that Wiseau’s chaotic energy and unpredictable delivery—one minute scenery-chewing, the next inappropriately blasé—would be a perfect pairing for the natural world, where the lines between predator and prey are often fuzzy and the roles can be recast in a fraction of a second. Imagine late-night documentary screenings at your local independent theater, everyone dressed up as their favorite animal and shouting along to the best parts of Tommy W’s narration (“Oh hi shark”). I’d get in line for tickets right now. —Adam Roy,Backpackerexecutive editor

Dennis Haysbert, the Voice of Allstate Insurance